One day a man, who had been stranded on an island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh Man! Is that good!!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

So I am a bit of a golf nut. I play with my Saturday morning group every Saturday no matter what! Rain, Wind, Freezing Temperatures, Holidays, Birthdays..... you get the idea. But I'm getting along in age and maybe not quite so dedicated as I used to be. For example, couple months agoI was on my way to the club bright and early. The wind was blowing, the rain coming down sideways and it was about 38 degrees. I'm thinking "OK, maybe this wouldnt be a good day for golf" and uncharactoristically I turn around and
head home.

When I finally get there, I try to be as quiet as possible to not disturb my wife who is still enjoying her weekend slumber. I coast into the driveway, tip toe upstairs, and crawl into bed snuggling up behind her. To my surprize, she quietly whispers "Can you believe my crazy husband is out playing golf in this weather?"

I'm still wondering if she was kidding?!?!

Submitted by Scott S

Dale arrived home two hours later than normal from his regular Monday golf league with his buddy Mel.

He appeared to be physically exhausted, and his wife Gloria was obviously very concerned.

"Honey!  What's wrong?!  You look terrible!  And why are you so late?!" Gloria asked.

"It was one of the toughest nights I've ever had on the course" Dale said. "Mel had a heart attack and died on the 3rd hole."

"Oh Sweetheart!," Gloria exclaimed, "That's horrible!  Your actually saw your best friend pass away!  What a terrible ...<< MORE >>

Submitted by Scott S / Canby, OR

It was a beautiful, Chamber or Commerce type of day - but Scott barely noticed as he struggled on the tight, challenging course.

His troubles began early when he hit his first tee shot deep into the trees. One shot in and he was already in jail. Things did not go much better over the next eight holes, and as he made the turn Scott figured it was just going to be one of those days.

But after a rough front nine, Scott had several moments of glory on the back nine and his game was coming around nicely.

It looked like day would not be a total loss after all!

He was feeling much better as he stepped onto the tee box at the long par five 18th hole.
Unfortunately, Scott's new found confidence died quickly as he watched his final tee shot sail wide right over the trees once again.  Urgh!

Expecting to find his ball at the base of one the massive pines, Scott was pleasantly surprised to see that he actually had a decent lie.
His ball had completely cleared the trees and was sitting up nicely in the center of a large patch of beautiful buttercups. He had a clear path back to the fairway and a great view of the 18th green. There was still hope for a good finish.

Without hesitating, Scott stepped into the beautiful patch of buttercups and prepared to hit a long iron shot back to safety.

But just as Scott raised his club and prepared to take a practice swing, a blinding light appeared before him and a beautiful woman in glowing white flowing robes said,

"Please don't hurt my buttercups!  Please don't hurt my buttercups!  I am Mother Nature, and if you promise not to hurt my buttercups I will give you all the butter you ever need for the rest of your life!"

"That's just great! " Scott replied. "Where were you last week when I hit into the pussy willows?!"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, ...<< MORE >>

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.
The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes.
The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms.
Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the 18th hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.

The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

..... Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. 

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty-foot putt... for an 8.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract, fairways repel. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker; if both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

lf golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and pass gas, if you are a brain surgeon.

1. You don’t have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
2. If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique. 
3. The Ten Commandments don’t say anything about golf. 
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous. 
5. Your golf partner won’t keep asking questions about other partners you’ve golfed with. 
6. It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger. 
7. When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together. 
8. If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you golf with someone else. 
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself. 
10. When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop. 
11. You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy cool golf stuff. 
12. You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment. 
13. There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.  
14. If you want to watch golf on television, you don’t have to subscribe to a premium cable channel. 
15. Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life. 
16. Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game. 
17. You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf. 
18. Your golf partner will never say, “What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?”